You don't have to love me
by briefbeauty
Summary: Carter decides that Kendra doesn't need to love him ...not now anyway
1. Chapter 1

_DC's Legends of Tomorrow_ doesn't belong to me

 **You don't have to love me**

"If you only knew how much I love you," he said.

Kendra almost wished that she had slapped Carter when he said that to her; it was so annoying how he knew that she loved him and remembered their past lives while she was still coming to terms with the fact that she was a reincarnation of some Egyptian deity. It was ridiculous how much Carter bought into the whole destiny thing.

You have wings a voice reminded her. Wings, girl, and you can fly. Normal people can not do that, and you have some memories of living in an ancient world. Kendra shook her head to clear it, so she was having some weird dreams, okay, memories, it still didn't mean that she destined to end up with Carter Hall. He was so overbearing, with his calm assurance that they were meant to be.

It really wasn't fair; why could he remember and accept their past while she couldn't? Why was she supposed to just take him at his word?

Destiny was really so annoying.

000

Carter watched Kendra storm out of the room. He couldn't understand why Kendra couldn't remember their past lives; really it had been two months already and she couldn't accept the fact that they were meant to be together. He supposed that he should thankful that she had even accepted to move to St. Roch with him; that they even an apartment and was willing –mostly – to train with him and help people but it really got on his nerves that he couldn't be with her the way he wanted to.

I shouldn't have told her I loved her, he told himself. She had told him repeatedly not to and to call her Kendra and Carter was trying very hard to respect her wishes; after all they were together after almost a year of looking for her he had found her and they were together. That should have been enough but it wasn't, he wanted their lives to be what they were meant to be, especially since they had discovered that their mortal enemy, Vandal Savage, was alive and well.

He really shouldn't have said anything about how much he loved her, Carter knew, but he did love her so and he had thought that it would motivate her, make her want to remember instead she had stormed off. Again. At least she couldn't leave the Wave Rider, not like that night in St. Roch when she hadn't come home.

Kendra had stormed off in the middle of training and he had gone back to the apartment and waited for her but she hadn't returned. He had been worried, that she been involved in an accident or worse, his only consolation being that they were so attuned to each other that he would have known –felt it – if she had been killed, still he hadn't slept a wink after checking everywhere he could think of but not finding her there.

When she had returned early the next morning, he had been so relieved that he'd almost pulled her into his arms and kissed her but he'd remembered just in time that she had warned him against that as well.

"Where were you?" he had asked, trying to keep his voice calm and level.

"I just needed to clear my head, no big deal."

"I was worried," he told her.

"There was no need, as you can see," Kendra had assured him, "I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."

"I know," he had replied, "that doesn't stop me from worrying, though."

Kendra had stared at him and then said, "I won't be training today, I'm tired."

"Okay."

She had spent most of the day in the room only coming out to use the bathroom and to eat and he had given her her space.

Kendra's re-entry into the room brought him out of his reverie. "I wanted to thank you for what you did for Aldus."

He shrugged, "he was my son too."

"It's weird," Kendra seemed confused, "I… we hardly knew him but I feel like something is missing."

They stared at each other in silence.

"I guess I should let you get back to whatever it is that you're doing," Kendra said.

"Okay."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"I have a hard time believing in all… this destiny thing," she said.

He smiled slightly, "That's not a question."

"Why?"

"Why do I believe it, you mean?"

She nodded.

"Because of you."

"Me?"

"You're here, we can both fly and I -."

"Please don't say you love me," she interrupted him.

"I know you don't like to hear it but I do."

"Why?"

"I can't even begin to explain it," Carter told her, "loving you is as natural as breathing."

"You totally bought into the whole destiny thing," Kendra said, "You can't even decide for yourself who you're meant to love."

"Maybe."

"Personally I can't believe that you're my destiny."

He smiled inspite of himself. His Chey-Ara had always been stubborn.

Kendra watched him smile and shook her head and walked out of the room.

As Carter watched her walk away from him for the second that day he made a decision; when she came back he would let her off the hook, tell her that she didn't need to love him not now anyway, he could and would wait until she was ready.

She was worth it.

000


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for reading**

 **000**

Kendra made her way to the library – she'd been glad to discover that the Wave Rider had one especially on a day like this when they were still hiding out and no one was allowed to leave the ship. She had no idea where the others were but she was glad that Carter, at least, was nowhere to be found.

It was annoying to say the least, but since their talk a few days earlier, Kendra found herself thinking about Carter all the time. The nerve of the man, he had actually told her that she didn't have to love him, not now anyway, that he was willing to wait until she did, that she was worth the wait. The thing that annoyed her most about it was that he had been sincere, no smirk or any hint of smugness.

Arghhhhhh.

Not only that, where before he had been in her space, always touching her, and spending any free time they had with her trying to get her to remember their past lives, now he didn't bring up their past lives at all and she only spent as much time with him as she did their other team mates not more. It was driving her crazy.

He was not the sort of guy she'd ever been attracted to in her life. He was a know-it-all, too confident and always right. He was annoying. She preferred sweet men, kind and sensitive…like Cisco. He had been quite perfect but now she honestly couldn't remember what he really looked like, everywhere she looked she saw Carter Hall.

It was as if his words, 'you don't have to love me now', had actually opened up her feelings for him. Instead of not thinking about him, now she was having more and more visions…okay memories of their past lives and she found herself staring at him when she was sure he wasn't looking and she couldn't deny it, he was a good-looking guy, and his voice – oh – it was so deep.

"There you are." She looked up as Carter entered the library. "I missed you at breakfast."

Kendra couldn't help rolling her eyes at him.

"I know, I know," Carter continued, "I'm not supposed to say such things."

"Was there anything you wanted?" she asked him.

"Nope," Carter replied, "just wondered where you'd disappeared to. Should have known that I'd find you in the library."

"Was that something I did?" she asked him. "Disappear into libraries?"

"You love reading and books," he shrugged.

"I'll get back to it then," she turned a page.

Carter held back a grin, he had watched her for a while before making his presence known and he was sure that she hadn't been reading, she'd been staring into space, hopefully thinking of him, he shook his head and stood up to leave.

"Where are you going?" Kendra's voice stopped him.

"Didn't want to intrude," he quipped.

"You're not."

"Let me get this straight," Carter had pulled up a chair and was sitting very close to her. "You want me to stay?"

"I didn't say that."

Carter smirked and was about to reply when Rip entered the room. "There you are, both of you. There's something that only you two can take care of." He turned on his heels expecting them to follow him.

"I guess downtime is over," Kendra told Carter.

"I guess so," he agreed and took her hand in his. "Let's go."

"You don't need to hold my hand, you know," she said.

"I know."

000


	3. Chapter 3

Carter Hall was jealous and he hated it.

He had no reason to be jealous he and Kendra were not even together but still he was jealous of Ray Palmer.

He had listened as Rip outlined the details of their next mission and he understood why Kendra needed to go undercover with Ray as his wife; it all made perfect sense, Ray's cover was a scientist – a married one, and Sara couldn't go as the wife, she and Snart and Rory had other work to do. Kendra and Ray going undercover as man and was the perfect way to play it, truth be told it was the only way.

And he hated it.

They had been making great strides in their relationship, Kendra and him, she had stopped going out of her to avoid him and they was getting to know each other. He was always careful not to bring up their past lives unless Kendra asked him a direct question and he had thought that they were getting to a place where they could actually move towards becoming what they had always been… friends and lovers.

Until this.

The thing that bothered him most was how happy Kendra and Ray had been both when they'd been given the assignment. They had shared a glance and then smiled widely at each other. He had wanted to shout at them, tell them that it was only a job and that they were actually not married to each other.

000

Kendra left the armoury and made her way to Carter's room. She hadn't seen him since Rip had given them the assignment. Sara, Mick and Len had already left the ship and she and Ray were due to leave in about an hour. Martin, Jax, Carter and Rip were going to be doing some other work, they hadn't yet been told exactly what, it seemed it depended upon the success of Sara, Mick and Len's assignment, and if it all went well they'd all be back on the Wave Rider in two days' time.

She hoped it would go as planned.

She walked quickly down the corridor and when she got to Carter's room, she took a deep breath before knocking and entering.

"Hey," she told him.

He had been lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, but now he sat up.

"Hey," he said, "I thought you had left already."

"No," she forced a smile, "we have about an hour until we leave."

"Okay," he nodded. He wondered why she was in his room.

"Okay," she said.

They stared at each other in silence, each willing the other to speak first. Finally Carter shook his head slightly and asked, "you got everything ready?"

"Yeah," she replied, "I don't really need much."

"You were never one for carrying luggage that you didn't need."

"I guess," she forced a laugh.

"Kendra, why are you here?" Carter asked her quietly.

"I just…" she shrugged, "I wanted to talk to you."

"Talk about what?"

"I don't know," she replied, "just talking." She looked at his bed and saw one of Aldus's books. Carter occasionally went through the books that they had got from Aldus. "Didn't you already read that book?"

"Yes," he said, "I just wanted to go through it again; maybe I'll find something that I missed."

"He was a really detailed researcher," Kendra said.

"He was," Carter agreed. "I wish we had known him longer."

"Me too." She sat down next to him. "Has Rip told you what you're going to do yet?"

"No."

"I can't wait to leave Wave Rider," she said.

"In less than an hour you'll be out of here," Carter reminded her.

Kendra wanted to tell him that she wished that they were going together but instead she kept quiet.

"I'm sure it will be a lot of fun," Carter said.

"Me too," Kendra replied, "a lot of fun."

They stared at each other.

"I guess I'll see you when we get back," Kendra stood up and made her way to the door.

"See you when you get back," he replied.

He watched the door close behind her and smiled, happier than he'd been all day.

000

Kendra leant against the wall just outside Carter's room. She wasn't sure what she'd been looking for when she'd gone to see him but she had just needed to spend some time alone with him before going on the assignment; okay that wasn't true, the truth was and she could admit it, she wanted to kiss Carter Hall. She really, really, wanted to kiss him, that was why she'd gone to his room but she was a coward.

Why couldn't he just try to kiss her like he had all those times?

000


	4. Chapter 4

000

Kendra was mad.

This was really unbelievable. How could Carter have amnesia? How could he not remember her at all?

It was ridiculous; one minute they were fighting one of Vandal Savage's henchmen and for once their plan (and it was a real one too) was working and the next Carter is knocked unconscious, which wouldn't have been a problem if he'd woken up in the next hour or so, but, no, he had to go and sleep for a week and then woke up with no memory at all.

How could he not remember her? How could he forget 4000 years because of a single blow? GIDEON and Rip came up with all kinds of theories but none of them made any sense to her; all she could hear was that the man she loved, the man she would always love couldn't remember who she was.

I suppose this serves me right, Kendra thought to herself, I pretended not to remember him and our bond, said that I couldn't believe that he was my destiny, so here he is having a life without me.

She sat up and made her way to the med bay; she'd left him alone long enough, despite what everyone said he needed her to tell him who he was, he didn't need to be left alone to try and remember.

000

Carter looked up when she entered and smiled slightly, not a smile of recognition or happiness just a polite one and Kendra promptly added it to ever growing list of things she didn't like him doing.

"Hey," she said to him.

"Hey," he replied, "you're Sandra, right?"

He didn't even remember her name. "Kendra," she told him.

"What is this place?" he asked. "I've traveled all over the world but I've never seen anything like this."

"It's a spaceship," Kendra told him, "it's called the Wave Rider."

"And you guys live here, together?" he asked her. "Don't you ever want to go home?" He couldn't imagine living in such place forever.

"We're trying to stop an evil mind master from taking over the world," Kendra told him.

He nodded as if that made sense to him, and then asked, "Doesn't that only happen in comic books and films?"

"I wish," Kendra said, "so you've traveled around the world?"

"Yes," he said, "I've been to Egypt, The UK, The USA, The USSR and China."

"For work?"

"Yes," he said, "no one ever travels for anything else."

She wanted to ask him about his life but she didn't know where to start, she also wasn't ready to hear him talk about any women he may have been involved with.

"You seem sad," he broke into her thoughts, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied quickly, it was amazing that even though he couldn't remember who she was he could still read her very well.

"Kendra, it's not nothing, you were smiling but now you look like you're about to cry."

"Carter…"

"It's your husband, soulmate or whoever he is, isn't?" he asked her.

"What are you talking about?"

"You guys are really loud," he said, "I heard you talking."

"What did you hear?"

He shrugged, "enough to know that you're in love with some guy who's obviously an idiot."

"An idiot?" Kendra burst out laughing.

"Any man who failed to love you is an idiot in my book."

"Really?"

"Yes," he stood up and walked towards her, standing just behind her like he'd always done and whispered, "Some things are eternal, my love."

"What did you say?"

He moved back quickly and leant against the wall, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that, forgive me."

"Carter, there's nothing to forgive."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I think I'll rest now."

Kendra walked quickly to her room and sat down on her bed. He had to have remembered something, he had to. He had called her his love.

000

Carter stared at the ceiling.

What was wrong with him, he wondered. Kendra was just being kind, spending time with him, and talking to him. He had very nearly kissed her when he stood next to her and it had taken all the self-control that he hadn't even known he possessed to stop himself. She was in love with somebody else, he had to accept that and move on with his life.

000


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the support - the reviews, for reading, adding to favorites and following. thank you very much.**

Carter Hall and Kendra Saunders were sitting on the carpet in the sitting room of their apartment in St. Roch. They were both staring intently at the board between them; finally Kendra took a few letters off her rack and put them on the board.

"That is not a word!" Carter told her laughing.

"Just because you don't know it, it doesn't mean that it isn't a word," Kendra replied, "and that's thirty points for me."

Carter shook his head and said, "I thought we were playing in English."

"That is an English word," Kendra informed him, "you need to expand your vocabulary. Quit stalling, it's your turn."

She grinned at Carter and watched him study the board trying to score more points; he was winning, of course, he always did and took pleasure in riling him – she loved it when he let her have her way.

Instead of playing, Carter sat back and stared at the woman sitting across from him. He still couldn't believe that they were finally together. Somehow, against all odds, the team had managed to defeat Vandal Savage and while the others had decided to continue working with Rip, Kendra had convinced him that they needed to spend some time alone, to be together.

That was been only two weeks ago and although they had yet to really talk and decide on anything he was willing to take every day as it came.

"Carter…" Kendra's voice brought him back, and he quickly put his letters on the board.

"That's not fair," Kendra pouted. She couldn't believe that he'd just used up all his letters.

"What can I say?" he teased her, "I'm just that good."

"You think so?"

"I know so," he replied. "Your turn."

Kendra looked at her letters and at the board; somehow she had lost all interest in the game.

"What is it?" Carter asked her.

"Nothing," she shook her head, "I guess I'm just tired."

"Kendra, this is me," Carter insisted, reaching for her, "you can tell me."

"You'll think it's ridiculous."

"Just tell me," he insisted.

"It's just… are we really free?" she asked. "Did we really defeat Vandal Savage? Is he never coming back?"

"We defeated him," Carter assured her, "And he's never going to bother us again."

"I hear you," she said, "but I just don't know."

"Kendra…"

"Carter, listen to me," she interrupted him. "There's something I need to tell you."

He waited in silence; he hoped that she wasn't going to tell him that she needed to leave and find her own place but he knew that he couldn't let that happen. Ever.

"Thank you."

"Thank you?" he was puzzled. "For what?"

"For not giving up on me," she replied, "for waking up in the middle of the night to play scrabble with me."

"You're welcome," he said sincerely.

"I know it was hard for you," she continued, "Waiting for me and living like this."

"I wouldn't change a thing," he said promptly, "okay, maybe, I would change a thing or two but you're totally worth it."

"So you keep saying."

"Why don't you believe me?"

"It's not you I don't believe," she explained, "it's… can I really be this happy?"

"Yes."

Carter reached out and touched her face, tracing her jaw line and smiling that smile that she loved so much. She really loved Carter but she was afraid to voice it out loud – they hadn't talked about their feelings when they decided to remain in St. Roch together; they had only talked about helping people and of course working better together.

She grabbed the front Carter's T-shirt and pulled him closer to her. She rose on her knees, leaned forward and touched her lips to his.

She had kissed Carter before but there was something different about this kiss, honestly she couldn't think about anything else apart from how good it felt to kiss him. Slowly the kiss came to an end, and she opened her eyes, she didn't even remember closing them and looked at Carter. She could see the passion clouding in his eyes and a slow satisfied smile on his face. She leaned forward and touched her forehead against his.

"I love you Carter Hall."

"I know," he replied.

They smiled at each other.

000

I love scrabble….


End file.
